


Heart of Gold

by murswrites



Series: Altruistic Adoration [2]
Category: Peaky Blinders
Genre: Angst, Death, F/M, Family Drama, Fluff, Guns, Vendetta, girl cries for hours until she sees him <3
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-22
Updated: 2021-02-22
Packaged: 2021-03-03 23:40:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 14
Words: 13,442
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24863953
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/murswrites/pseuds/murswrites
Summary: IN WHICH Fawnie Shelby is burdened with the loss of a loved one as the enemy draws closer and closer. Or, alternatively, Fawnie Shelby finds love amidst a vendetta.
Relationships: Arthur Shelby/Linda Shelby, John Shelby/Esme Shelby, Tommy Shelby/Lizzie Stark
Series: Altruistic Adoration [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1799023
Comments: 2
Kudos: 8





	1. Extended Summary

**FAWNIE SHELBY** felt broken beyond belief. Although she's danced with death her fair share of times due to having lost her fair share of loved ones over the course of her rather young life. 

Losing her brother felt like losing a lung, she suddenly couldn't breathe and worst of all, she watched it happen. Watched as the life was stolen from John and she did absolutely nothing to stop it from happening.

All her life, all she's wanted to do was run from it all. Away from her family, the business, and most of all, the coal-covered streets of Small Heath. Sure, it had its charm, but Fawn would argue that the smell ruined any of its 'small city' charm. 

With the Shelby clan losing one of the first three brothers, everything feels out of place. Fawnie can't get the thought out of her head. She's constantly yearning to be free. To live like her more nature-bound ancestors, loving the idea of seeing a new sunrise every morning before setting off again. 

Along with pain and death came help and sunshine. That sunshine being Bonnie Gold. As Fawn healed, she found herself drawn to the boy with the heart of gold and a punch that the gods would be envious of.


	2. Extended Cast

❝ It hurts to think about what he's missed out on... ❞

 **NICKNAME** ; Fawn, Little Deer, Doe, Little Lady | **AGE** ; 18 | **TITLE** ; Tommy Shelby's Twin  
 **FAWNIE ROSE SHELBY** portrayed by _Victoria Pedretti_

❝ You're my little deer, Fawnie and I'll always protect you. ❞

 **NICKNAME** ; Bon, Bon Bon, Crazy Bastard | **AGE** ; 17 - 20 | **TITLE** ; G*psy Boy, Boxin' Bonnie  
 **BONNIE GOLD** portrayed by _Jack Rowan_

❝ Don't be an idiot, yea? If you die, I'll kill you. ❞

 **NICKNAME** ; Tommy, Tom, Resident Arsehole | **AGE** ; 36 | **TITLE** ; Leader of The Peaky Blinders  
 **THOMAS MICHAEL SHELBY** portrayed by _Cillian Murphy_

❝ You need some love, even if I annoy you half the time, I thought you could use some company. ❞

 **NICKNAME** ; Finny, Little Bro, Dumb-Dumb | **AGE** ; 18 | **TITLE** ; Jr. Blinder  
 **F** **INN SHELBY** portrayed by _Harry Kirton_

**_+_ **

**ADA "Ads" THORNE** portrayed by _Sophie Rundle_

 **POLLY "Pol" GRAY** portrayed by _Helen McCrory_

 **ARTHUR "Arty" W. SHELBY** portrayed by _Paul Anderson_

 **MICHAEL "Mickey" GRAY** portrayed by _Finn Cole_

 **ABERAMA "Rama" GOLD** portrayed by _Aidan Gillen_

_**&** _

**SYLVETTE "Sylvia" TAYLOR** portrayed by _Keira Knightley_

 **WINIFRED "Winnie" SHELBY** portrayed by _Florence Pugh_

 **JOHN SHELBY** portrayed by _Joe Cole_


	3. Epigraph

**_𝐇𝐄𝐀𝐑𝐓 𝐎𝐅 𝐆𝐎𝐋𝐃_ **

The strongest people are not  
Those who show strength in front of us  
But those who win battles  
We know nothing about.  
 **⎯ Unknown**

Pour yourself into me  
And I will not let a drop  
Of you hit the ground  
 **⎯ Rudy Francisco**

I would  
Fight gravity  
For you  
 **⎯ Rudy Francisco**

Perhaps  
Out fatal flaw Is that we attempt  
To make forever  
Out of people  
Who are meant  
To be temporary  
 **⎯ Rudy Francisco**

You are  
A strange  
Kind of  
Beautiful.  
The type of  
Magic that  
Foolish me  
Runaway from  
And run back to  
When it's too late  
 **⎯ Rudy Francisco**

Dear Eyes,  
There are things I don't tell you.  
We both know you're horrible  
At keeping secrets  
Dear Brain,  
You're a good listener,  
But you give terrible  
Relationship advice   
Dear Heart,  
I trust you.  
Don't fuck this up  
 **⎯ Rudy Francisco "The Body"**

Long after  
I have given up,  
My heart  
Still searches  
For you  
Without my  
Permission  
 **⎯ Rudy Francisco**

It was rather beautiful: the way he   
Put her insecurities to sleep.  
The way he dove into  
Her eyes and starved  
All the fears  
And tasted all the  
Dreams she kept  
Coiled beneath her bones.  
 **⎯ Christopher Poindexter**

I admit,  
I was afraid  
To love.  
Not just love,  
But to love her.  
For she was a stunning  
Mystery.  
She carried things  
Deep inside her that no one  
Has yet to understand,  
And I,  
I was afraid to fail,  
Like the others.  
She was the ocean  
And I was just a boy  
Who loved the waves  
But was completely  
Terrified to swim.  
 **⎯ Christopher Poindexter**

"Home" is any place  
That makes you forget  
The world is on fire,  
At least for a moment.  
 **⎯ Rudy Francisco**


	4. Act One; The Bleakest Midwinter

**_ACT ONE QUOTE;_ **

She wasn't sad anymore,  
she was numb,  
and numb,  
she knew,  
was somehow  
worse.  
 **━ Atticus**

**_ACT ONE CHAPTER INDEX_ _;_ **

01 | Despite it All   
02 | Semblance of The Pain   
03 | Fucking Worthless   
04 | Finally Got Christmas  
05 | So Stupid   
06 | Italians Watching  
07 | Caught Me   
08 | My Job  
09 | Killed a Man  
10 | Small Hell  
11 | Didn't Mention   
12 | A-fucking-men4  
13 | Let me Help   
14 | Arrest This  
15 | Don't Worry  
16 | So Brotherly


	5. 01 | Despite it All

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Funerals are always a bleak affair, especially when Thomas Shelby is using it to draw out the enemy.

Fawnie Shelby could not describe the pain she felt, in fact, it was less of an injury... and more of an _aching_. A yearning, a wish to a shooting star, a wanting. To go back and fix her mistake, to grab Esme _then_ jump in front of her beloved brother. It was her fault, she knew that much. That he died, if she'd gotten in front of him instead of holding onto Esme for dear life... perhaps he'd be breathing right now.

Not being laid to rest in the field of vardos, awaiting the flames to set him free and into the sky. Where he can be with his mother, sister, and first love.

The ache burned at her chest, the internal wound throbbed with every breath. As if she couldn't feel the immense pressure on her heart _without_ the reminder. Tears clouded her vision, making the bleak affair that much more disorienting. Fawn's cheeks were chapped and dry due to the cold air and her silent tears. 

Even if she tried, she couldn't stop crying. Her nose so stuffed to the point where she'd given up on trying to speak, not finding any use in it since anybody could tell she was injured. Even a blind man could hear her sniffles and either thinks she's got terrible winter allergies or she's been bawling her eyes out nonstop since she's come to. 

Although Fawnie witnessed the event firsthand, she felt as though she dreamt of it. From how muddled her memories were and how much she failed to register, it was like a firsthand account from a deaf mouse who could only speak in gibberish. 

Her family didn't know how to help her, Fawn's refusal to speak has only added to the burden of helping her through the troublesome time.

Her gloved hands shook, the bracelets on them creating a light clatter in the field. She tried to ignore the bodies around her, to pretend it was just her and him, embracing in a tight hug one last time before he told her it was alright, that it was okay to let go. But Fawnie couldn't, she couldn't just pretend like her family was.

Tommy moved to stand in front of the mass of people, all dressed in black. All hurt by the horrible loss, but none of them like Fawnie. 

John was the first person in the family to accept Fawn, the first one, despite her ancestry, to let her in completely and wholly. He was the one who showed her what it was like to be a Shelby. How to live, breathe, fight, and survive as a Shelby does.

"This is how John wanted to go." Tom's voice was its usual gravely tone, low and raspy despite how loud he spoke. "On the smoke. And the truth is... we died together once before." A few men looked at the ground mournfully, "Arthur, me, Danny Whizzbang," Jaws tensed, the remembrance of a lost soldier and comrade heavy on the group.

"Freddie Thorne," Ada tensed at the sound, "Jeremiah, and... John." It was Fawn's turn to react, but she surprised herself, she stood completely still upon hearing his name out loud since _it_ happened. It may have been childish to cover her ears and pretend to not hear anyone, but it helped her. The ignoring help Fawn overlook the festering wound in her chest that gnawed at her insides like maggots in a trash bin.

The speech wasn't over yet, Fawn could tell there was more. She knew Tom well enough to know he was going to speak extensively. "We were cut off from the retreat... no bullets left, waiting for the Prussian cavalry to come and to finish us off." She could feel it, something was coming, the air felt thin and all Fawn wanted to do was rush into the vardo and will for John to wake up.

"And while we waited... Jeremiah said, 'We should sing, 'In the Bleak Midwinter.' But we were spared. The enemy never came. And we all agreed... that everything after that was extra. And when our time came... we'd all remember." 

Polly finally spoke up, visibly shaking, "You remember that God spared you." She shot daggers at Tom, "But what did _you_ do with that extra time that he gave you, eh, Thomas?" He gritted his teeth and stared at the ground, not in shame, but in irritation at the fact that someone spoke up. 

The eldest Shelby, Arthur, stepped up to the vardo holding John's body and his memory. A match in his hand, ready to strike it before Fawn's voice rang out in the group, _"Wait!"_ She bellowed, pushing past everyone to get to the front, Arthur spun on his heel, staring at his little sister with an anguished expression. Her cheeks were still red and she bit her lip harshly, "Let me do it, _please_." 

Her jaw shook as she held her hand out for the match and Arthur agreed with a nod, allowing her to take the match and matchbox, everyone waited for Fawn as she said her goodbye to John. She set her hand on the vardo and said something they always promised to one another, _"Despite it all, I always had you."_

Then she stuck the match and tossed it onto the petrol-drenched wood, collapsing to the ground as she did so. Polly and Finn rushed forward to pull Fawn away from the flames, once at a safe distance, Polly held the girl in her arms, allowing Fawn to sob freely without fear of being burned. 

She watched the flames with rage and grief, two polarizing emotions causing Fawnie to feel whiplash as she cried in front of everyone. At this point, it didn't matter if her reputation of being Tom's most similar sibling was tarnished. If the person who had always boosted her confidence was dead, then what was the point?

John Shelby was quite literally the light in her life, because despite everything her family went through, he was _always_ there for her in the end. Always, cheering her on, wishing her the best, making her life better with each one of his smiles. Even with Finn as her honorary twin, John was her mentor and he made her feel loved.

When the sound of a gun firing reached Fawn's ears, she was sent back to the horrific scene again. Instead of a single shot, she heard a machine gun firing. Shot after shot after shot, each one further signing John's death certificate. _"At ease! At ease."_ Although she heard Tom speaking, the sight of John dying before her eyes kept playing in her head.

Each time Esme yelled at her to phone an ambulance, it'd replay. The Italians pushing the hay bales out of the way before opening fire on her cousin and brother once more.

"Do not return fire. I repeat, _do not_ return fire. _Stand down_." Fawn comprehended what Tom was saying and pulled her head off of the ground, where she previously covered it with her hands. Finn had an arm around her, tucking her into his side just in case. She just didn't understand why Tom was telling the men to put their weapons away.

"The men doing the firing are on our side. I took the trouble... of giving an invitation to Aberama Gold." 

Johnny Dogs sighed, "Ah fuck, now it's begun." If only Fawnie Shelby knew what the hell that meant before it all went further to shit.


	6. 02 | Semblance of The Pain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fawnie remembers the heated argument she had with Thomas at the funeral while wallowing.

It was times like these when Fawn wished she grew up like she was destined to. As a real g*psy woman, with her mum, living off whatever they could catch on the land around them that day. The dream frequented Fawnie's mind, a constant reminder of the life she could– _should_ –have had. 

She longed for the day when she'd be able to leave the shit hole city that she grew up in. To smell fresh, crisp air every morning as she stumbled out of her vardo to relight the fire. That used to be her favorite dream, now, with Esme gone her favorite dream was one where John embraced that side of him.

Where he, his kids, and Esme went to travel like Esme used to. Fawn would give anything to have her brother alive again. And she would also give anything for Thomas Shelby to get a fucking brain. 

Many often assume Fawn is the closest to Tom, perhaps it's the striking physical similarities between the two, their eyes both piercing and seeming to be missing something behind them. Fawn knew what people meant when they said she was without a soul.

She could see the emptiness in her eyes before John's death, only now, it's more prominent. Just like Tommy, she's missing a large part of herself. But unlike Tom, she would never ever use someone's funeral fire as a beacon to gain the enemy's attention... Fawn tried to ignore the memory of her snapping and screaming at Tom like a mad man, but it kept poking her until she just allowed the anger to wash over her.

━━━━  
 _Flashback_  
━━━━

"The men doing the firing are on _our_ side. I took the trouble... of giving an invitation to Aberama Gold."

Johnny Dogs sighed, "Ah fuck, now it's begun." Fawn felt the gears in her head begin turning as she tried to piece what the fuck just happened together.

Polly must have figured it out quicker than Fawnie because she began speaking right as Fawn opened her mouth, "Put it out in the open on purpose. You used John's funeral fire as a fucking beacon." 

The gasp that left Fawn's lips was short and loud, Finn had helped her up a few moments ago and she wiped her hands on her dress, wanting to clean them of mud so she can slap Tom for his stupidity. "We were never in any danger Polly," Arthur announced loud enough for everyone to hear.

Polly held a hand to her mouth, "You set a trap." 

"Finn?" Tom called, ushering Finn forward with his words. Finn looked back at Fawn with a silent apology and Fawn nodded, not wanting him to see her give Tom the worst verbal arsewhooping he's ever gotten. "Finn? Go to the yard and light the fires." Tom pointed off into the distance, toward Charlie's Yard.

Once Finn seemed out of earshot, Fawn pushed her way forward, wanting to look Tom in the eyes as he explained who was dead to her aunt Polly. "Our enemies." He stated simply. She knew he wanted the conversation to end, the only person he seemed to speak to these days was Ada and Arthur because nobody wants to be around Tom for more than is needed.

"You wanna know, Poll? Two fucking no good Italians heard about the vendetta, tried to make a fucking name for themselves, that's who." 

Arthur stepped forward, "We got word to them about the funeral, the where, the when... Told them where to stand for the best shot." The confession made Fawn lose it, she rushed at Tom, hands raised to slap him repeatedly. 

_"What the fuck is wrong with you!?_ Are you mad!? Using John's fucking funeral as a motherfucking signal. GOD, YOU'RE SO FUCKING STUPID!" She screamed and wailed as she hit him, not long after, Arthur seized her, pulling her away from his brother. "Let me go, Arthur! He deserves to feel a semblance of the pain I feel! Tom's a fucking masochist! Do you like having your family despise you, Thomas?!"

Fawn spat at the ground near Tom's feet, "You're sick, Tom, fucking disgusting! You've got no right to call yourself a Shelby, Shelby's don't fucking use each other as beacons! Have you thought of that you FUCKING KNOB! LET ME GO!" Arthur nearly struggled to hold his sister with her thrashing around in his arms.

Tom's jaw was tense and his fists clenched, he moved toward Fawn and gripped her chin tightly. His blue eyes resembled flames, angry and hot. "Call myself a Shelby? That's rich, Fawnie, you're only half. You're _lucky_ to be able to claim the Shelby name. Fuckin' yell at me again, I dare you." He pushed her jaw away harshly.

 _"Dare_ me? Okay, you _fucking cunt!_ Do you honestly think that I'm scared of you!? Arthur might be your lapdog but I will never tuck my fuckin' tail! You're fucking sick, Tom!" Tears began welling in her eyes again, the anger turning into immense pain and agony. "How could you use John's funeral, as a fucking beacon?! _How could you?!"_

━━━━  
 _End of Flashback_  
━━━━

It burned, being called out on her heritage. Ever since she was young, she's worked on proving herself as a _genuine_ Shelby. As someone who's _deserving_ of the Shelby name. Even if only her family knows that her mother wasn't Miriam Shelby... they still made her feel like an outsider looking in. 

That is, everyone but John. He was the first one to welcome Fawnie with open arms, doing his best to make her feel at home. Then followed Finn, then Winifred, then Ada, then Arthur... and lastly, Thomas. He was the most difficult of the siblings, he didn't trust his father, Fawn suspected he thought that Fawnie was some kind of plant to cause chaos and overthrow the family.

_She was three years old at the time..._

Eventually Tom and Fawn became _somewhat_ close. Constantly being told they look so much alike pushed them closer. Fawn wanted to think Tom truly accepted her, but sometimes she saw the looks he gave her. Oftentimes, it was one of pure annoyance, as if Fawnie was a tick that the Shelby family just couldn't seem to rid themselves of.

Fawn now felt close to nothing for Thomas, wanting nothing more than to curse him out some more and run away. Even if it was child's play, _running off_... ignoring one's responsibilities is by far the most euphoric experience she's ever felt. 

Her bedroom was cold and lonely... she thought about her sister a lot now. After losing Winnie to Kimber, Fawn's done her utmost best to not think about her. Thinking that if she ignored the problem, it'd go away. But Fawn realized it didn't work at all, if anything, the wound from her sister's passing was far worse now. 

Alongside the festering pain over John's passing sat a scar reminding Fawnie of the tragedy of Winifred Shelby.


	7. 03 | Fucking Worthless

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fawnie finally visits Michael and confides in him before meeting a brown-eyed boy in the stables at Charlie's Yard.

Fawnie _did not_ want to see Michael, she felt too cowardly to do so. If she had acted a wee bit quicker, then perhaps she'd be the one looking like swiss cheese. Carved open with bullet wounds the size of Tom's glasses.

He was badly injured, that much she knew... the sight of him on the ground was engraved in her mind like a carving in a stone wall. Permanent, to never leave the expanse of her mind ever again.

But she knew she had to see him at some point, what kind of cousin would she be if she ignored him until he was better? All she knows is that it would be an asshole move to neglect to see Michael. That's how she found herself outside of his hospital room. The Peaky Blinders assigned to watch him were asleep in their chairs.

Fawnie slammed the door to Michael's room closed and the men bolted up, waking immediately. "Who said it was nap time?" She asked sarcastically and they shook their heads ashamedly, "Get out." Once the men were gone, Fawnie forced herself to meet Michael's eyes.

He looked beyond exhausted, "Hey, doe..." Michael mumbled and a small smile made its way onto her face, she moved the chair closer to the bed. 

"I'm sorry, Michael. For not visiting sooner. It's just that–" 

Michael shushed her and took her hand that rested on the bed, "It's fine, I promise." He coughed and winced, which prompted Fawnie to begin asking him if he was okay. "Yea, mostly..." The dry laugh was short, she knew it hurt from the silent cringe that adorned Michael's face before he forced a neutral expression once more.

The sun shone through the windows and warmed the room up slowly, "I know– how close you and _he_ were, Fawnie..." She was astounded by how Michael picked up on her dislike of hearing John's name. Fawn even avoided thinking his name, resorting to constantly thinking 'he'. "And I've got to know, are you alright?" 

She wanted to nod and say, 'Why yes, of course. Why wouldn't I be?' But she just shook her head no as the tears began to build up in her eyes. She chewed on her bottom lip aggressively and stared at the white sheet on the bed, not wanting Michael to see the emptiness behind her eyes. 

It was not new by any means, but lately, it seemed that the void in her soul was much larger. As if John took a part of her with him and the smoke as he traveled to heaven. Fawnie couldn't bear to look at herself anymore, seeing nothing more than a coward and useless fuck. She ended up covering the mirror in her room with an old coat. 

Her cousin allowed her to cry freely, just squeezing her hand every now and then to remind her that he was there. "I feel so fucking worthless, Michael. I could have done so much more, but I was– paralyzed. It was like that time I hit my head on the alleyway wall and all I could do was wail like a baby. I could have jumped in front of–"

"Fawnie," She stopped rambling through the tears, looking up at Michael with blurry eyes. "There is nothing wrong with you, you aren't useless. Just because you did nothing doesn't mean _you did nothing_ , you saved Esme by pulling her back. Stop letting the guilt own you and start owning it." 

"I'll try," Fawnie promised with a nod.

Michael gave his little cousin a smile, "That's all I can ask of you,"

━━━━

Fawnie pets the horse slowly, wanting to cherish the feeling of its softness. It has been a while since Fawn has touched something as soft as this horse, she doesn't recognize it. The pattern on its body wasn't rather unique, Fawn has seen something like it a million times from too many trips to the races. 

Mostly brown with a few white splotches here and there, simply beautiful. "You're a beautiful horse, you know that right?" She manages to coo at it, masking the grief in her voice with enthusiasm, hoping to make the horse's day. Fawnie begins scratching behind its ear and it snorts lightly, "Do you like that?" She asks the horse, knowing she won't get an answer but enjoying speaking to something.

After her visit with Michael, Polly spoke to him and brought Fawnie to Charlie's Yard. Apparently, Tom wants everyone to have a proper Christmas dinner. Fawn, upon hearing that, chucked it up to be a load of bullshit. Knowing that Tom has ulterior motives, he always does. A knock on the stable doors makes Fawn turn around, the sight of someone she doesn't know startling her.

_"Who the fuck are you?"_

She reaches for her knife before the boy can cause any harm to her or the horse. He catches onto what she's doing and puts his hands up in surrender, Fawnie just raises her eyebrows, "Hey, I'm no Italian. Don't worry, I'm on your side." Fawn notes the accent, not American...

"Prove it." She says, hand not leaving her knife handle. 

The boy shakes his head and points at the horse, taking a step forward, Fawnie pulls the knife and he stops, "That's my horse, _Ginger_ , her name is. Wouldn't it be strange to have an enemy's horse in your stables?" _Damnit_. Fawnie curses in her head, he was right.

"I... I suppose." Fawnie slowly slides her knife back into its case, stepping away from the horse just to put some distance between herself and the stranger.

"My name's Bonnie," Bonnie sticks his hand out to shake and Fawn's jaw tenses, she considers the possibility of him hurting her. She can't see if he's well built or not under his clothes but from the soft glow in his brown eyes, to his friendly smile, Fawn decides to shake his hand.

The size difference between their hands isn't much, Fawn was graced with her mother's big hands so she feels confident of her handshake. "Fawnie, Fawnie _Shelby_."

He raises his eyebrows, "You're the lass that stuck it to Mr. Shelby? It makes sense that you're related. I didn't take him for the type to let people scream in his face, let alone slap him!" Fawnie finds herself giggling at Bonnie's surprise, it feels weird, laughing again.

Maybe because Bonnie's a complete stranger that's why she feels like it's easy to laugh with him, or maybe it's because he doesn't look at her like she's a monster. Bonnie smiles at Fawnie and retracts his hand, "Props to you, my dad has been laughing his arse off ever since..." 


	8. 04 | Finally Got Christmas

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After Tom kicks Fawn out of the stables, she passes the time by helping Uncle Charlie before seeing Bonnie again later.

"The fuck is going on in here?" Fawn jumped at the sound of Tom's voice, she hasn't spoken to him since the funeral that morning. It felt like a month ago when Fawnie watched John's body go up in flames, but it was only hours prior to meeting the strange boy beside her. 

She immediately recoiled from Tom, not wanting to be near him after what he said. "Nothing, Thomas. Bonnie here caught me petting his horse. That's all." Thomas raised his eyebrows at her, clearly not believing her. "Look, I don't care if you don't believe me. But that is all that fuckin' 'went on'." She brushed past Tom harshly, bumping his shoulder on her way. 

Fawnie knew her older brother hated that she kept calling him 'Thomas'. In Fawn's mind, if she's so _honored_ to be able to call herself a Shelby then she and Tom aren't family. And only family calls him Tommy. She remembered when she used to call him Tom, but ever since he lost _her_ , he's prohibited anyone from calling him by the name she called him.

A long row of makeshift tables extended down the length of the empty space in Charlie's Yard, it felt wrong for there to be tables in the yard. Fawnie nearly smiled at the sight of Johnny Dogs and Charlie arguing about potatoes. "I'll get the potatoes meself!" He exclaimed as Charlie rolled his eyes at him.

She made her way to Charlie, wanting to know why potatoes are so important in a time like this. "Why is he goin' on about potatoes?" 

Charlie shrugged, "Doesn't want the Gold's to think we're uncivilized. And, it's Christmas."

"Oh, the crooks finally got Christmas..." Fawnie mused sourly, "Need any help? Thomas kicked me out of the stables because of that Bonnie kid." Her uncle shrugged, looked around, and nodded.

"You can pluck that other goose... unless you get squeamish."

She narrowed her eyes at him, "Me? Squeamish? Have you met me? I _am_ the girl that put dog shite in her brother's pillowcase because he wrinkled my Sunday dress." Charlie shook his head at Fawnie with a smile, happy to hear her joking, and handed her an apron so she could get to work.

━━━━

Dinner was finally done and Fawnie was exhausted. Who knew that plucking the feathers off of a goose was so difficult with cold hands? "I feel like my fingers have gone numb," She stuck her hand out toward Ada and the older Shelby sister rolled her eyes, "Feel them, Ad, they're freezing!" Ada grabbed Fawn's hands and gasped at the icy feeling.

"Go stand by the fire, Fawn. You're going to get sick." Instead of arguing, Fawn just nodded and rushed toward one of the many fire pits around the yard. 

She rubbed her hands together above the flames and showed her palms to the fire, wanting to warm them up as soon as possible. Even though the holiday season has always been one of Fawn's favorite times of the year, she absolutely detests the cold weather. She hates snow, rain, anything that dims the very rare sun. Birmingham isn't known for its tropical weather after all. 

A few figures left the stables, Fawn looked up and noticed Thomas, an unfamiliar man, and the boy. Bonnie branched off from them with a nod and marched toward Fawnie. His hands were stuck in his pockets and his shirt looked out of place– as though he'd just put it back on. 

The youngest Shelby watched her new acquaintance make his way toward her as she warmed her cold hands. "Did he threaten you for breathing near me?" She asked calmly and Bonnie shook his head no.

"Told my dad off... before agreeing to help me out." There was a hint of underlying excitement in Bonnie's voice, this made Fawn wonder what Thomas agreed to.

"With what?" Fawn pursed her lips, staring at the fire absentmindedly. 

A smile graced Bonnie's features, "My career... as a boxer." The snicker that left Fawnie's mouth was completely unintentional. She wanted to take Bonnie seriously, especially since Fawn doesn't know Bonnie very well. "You find that funny?" 

She shakes her head, covering her mouth, "No, it's just... you're so _small_." She tried to make her voice sound neutral, not mocking. Because she wasn't mocking the boy, just making an observation.

Bonnie feigned pain, "You wound me, Ms. Shelby." He copied Fawn's posture, sticking his hands out toward the fire. "I am stronger than I look." 

The Shelby girl nodded slowly and turned to look at Bonnie with a false smile, "Of that, I have no doubt, Mr. Gold." His eyebrows crinkled as Fawn made her way to the long line of tables without another word. She sat beside Ada, her sister raised her eyebrows at Fawnie, and Fawn shook her head. "Don't you start," 

━━━━

Fawnie Shelby's arms were crossed over her chest, she shook her head no. "Now why the fuck would I want to go somewhere with you?" She practically spat the words at Thomas.

Her brother sighed and brought his hand to rub his eyes, "Because it's not safe for you to be running about like a headless chicken, Fawnie." The air was still crisp but Fawn disagreed with another shake of her head. "What do I have to do to get you to listen–"

"An apology would be a damn good start," 

Thomas chuckled dryly at Fawn's proposition, "I think you owe _me_ an apology–"

"I could list all of your mistakes in the last five years if you'd like?" She asked, when Tom didn't answer, she began listing things off, "Trusted the fuckin' enemy, used your brother's funeral as a beacon, used my _blood_ against me, killed your best friend, your little sister, your sister's husband, made enemies with people you haven't even got the right tools to fight with, and you've gotten involved with fuckin' politics,"

She spoke quickly and listed each transgression with a finger. By the time she finished speaking, her face was red, "So I think it's rather appropriate that you should apologize to me on account that I simply said the truth everyone's so afraid to address. You should know I won't stand down, Thomas." Her blazing blue eyes met his, _"After all, I get it from you."_


	9. 05 | So Stupid

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After Ada convinces Tom to let Fawnie work in the shop, she's sent to fetch Arthur and Fawnie is left traumatized yet again.

Fawnie walked into Michael's hospital room silently, she didn't necessarily _want_ to be at the meeting but Ada convinced Fawn to try and help with the family business. Ever since John's passing, Fawn and Finn have stepped up in helping with placing and marking bets. Finn collects them, Fawn puts them into the books.

The room now had a large table in the middle of it, around it were six chairs. Lizzie, Ada, and Polly sat down but Fawnie decided to stand, Arthur would need a seat anyway. "Sorry I'm late." Aunt Polly announced and Thomas finally looked up, his eyes scanned the room until they fell on his little sister.

"Where's Arthur? And why is she here?" 

Polly shook her head, "Do I look like his fucking mother? And Fawnie deserves a place in the meetin', she's been helping with the books. She ought to know what the fuck is going on."

The older Shelby man tilted his head to the side and squinted, "Helping with the books, eh? In what capacity?" 

Ada smiled to herself, "She's been–"

Thomas shook his head no, eyes trained on Fawnie. Her jaw sat tightly shut and her eyes tired from lack of sleep, "I was asking Fawnie." He said.

His younger sister wet her lips and chewed on the bottom one for a moment before speaking, she stepped forward. "Finn's been collecting the money for the bets... and since I'm far better at maths than he is, I've been entering them in the books. I've also taken the time to learn..." Fawn's eyes watered at the thought of _his_ name. "I've taken time to learn John's system. So there's no need to change the books at all..." 

"Huh," Tom took a drag from his cigarette, "I assume they're done correctly?" She nodded silently, wanting to leave the room. "Alright then, after we finish the legal side of the discussion, you're going to go and find Arthur. A Peaky Blinder will accompany you–"

"I'm fine without one of those arseholes–"

He drew in a large breath, "Fawnie Rose, there are fuckin' Italians in _our_ city and if you want to live to see the day where the sky isn't blackened by coal, you'll have a Peaky Blinder by your side." Fawnie just decided to nod in agreement, her body was tired from everything in the last month or so. 

It was as though she hasn't slept in years. Thomas stood up, addressing the group, "Before we start this extraordinary general meeting of the board and Fawnie of the Shelby Company Limited, I'd like to note the absence of the Deputy Vice President who has not yet arrived. We will continue without his presence."

Fawn sat in Arthur's seat and took the paper Tom handed her, reading it as fast as she could, Tom cleared his throat loudly before he began. "Item number one. The reinstatement of the Shelby Company Limited Company Treasurer. The board welcomes back the former treasurer, with generously improved terms and conditions." 

━━━━

The teen had to force herself to not zone out as Tom discussed the company, "All those in favor of the reinstatement of Mrs. Elizabeth Gray, to the position of Shelby Company Limited Company Treasurer, please raise your hands." Fawnie rose her hand for Arthur, knowing he'd welcome Polly back with open arms.  
  
Everyone at the table rose their hands, even Tom, "Why goodness, thank you." Polly deadpanned and a tiny smirk found its way onto Fawnie's face.  
  
"Any other business?" Tom asked as he put his papers in order, "Right. I declare this extraordinary general meeting over. Now we can talk about the real business. But for that we need Arthur. Fawnie, he should be at the factory."

"Alright, Thomas." Fawnie stood, setting the paper on the table and setting a hand on her aunt's shoulder, "Aunt Pol, Ada, Lizzie... Michael." She addressed each of them with a curt nod before departing. 

━━━━

"Arthur! Where the fuck are you?" Fawnie shouted in the warehouse, walking slowly while looking above her at the offices. After losing the Peaky Blinder Tom sent with her, she got to the warehouse rather quickly. She caught sight of Devlin knocking on Arthur's door, so she began rushing toward him.

"Devlin! Where's Arthur?!" The black-haired man turned around and pointed inside the office. Fawnie just nodded at waited at the end of the stairs, Arthur exited from the office with a tired expression. Worry washed over Fawn for just a moment before Arthur's eyes turned angry, "What's happened?" She asks.

Her brother seemed taken aback at the sight of Fawnie, "Why're you here on ya own?" Fawnie walked beside Arthur and explained that Tom sent her to fetch Arthur. "Go and wait in me office, you don't want to see this."

She shook her head no, "Thomas told me to get you and I've got you, what's going on?"

"Some people thought it was a good idea to throw a party into the paint shop, I'm gonna show them it wasn't." Fawnie grabbed Arthur's arm, pulling him to a stop. 

"What if they're Italians? Have you got your gun?" Arthur shook his head no, Fawnie sighed at his foolishness. "You boys are so stupid, here, take it." She shoved her small pistol into his hand, "I know it's small but it's all I've got." She kept it to herself that the gun was the same one Tom gave Sylvia in 1919. He regifted it to Fawn before this whole mess went down. 

Arthur smiled at Fawnie and ruffled her hair, "I don't need no gun," He handed it back to his little sister, before shaking his head, "You're still that little shite that'd steal fresh biscuits from the kitchen. Stay close, doe." She nodded in agreement. 

━━━━

Fawnie kept her distance behind Arthur, not wanting to distract him, but was still close. The sound of paint splashing could be heard as Arthur passed the metal mallet back to her, he nodded at her once. It's something Fawn saw her brothers and other men do rather often, she didn't know exactly what it meant but it felt like a silent affirmation.

"Party is it, eh?" Arthur shouted, picking up a brick and throwing it toward the men, "Is that what it is? What is this, a party, eh?" They looked toward the pair of Shelbys and jumped, "Fuck off out of it! Get out!" Her brother ordered and the men tucked their tails and ran. Fawnie stood by Arthur's side, proud of how quickly they took care of the problem.

"That was eas–" Bloodred paint-covered Fawnie from head to toe, Arthur didn't get the brute of it, only half of him being covered. His little sister gasped and Arthur immediately tensed up.

The mallet in Fawn's hands dropped as she stumbled back, Arthur caught her before turning toward the culprit. "Okay, I wasn't gonna hit ya. But that wasn't fucking nice." He swung his fist at the man, sending both of them sprawling. Fawnie tried wiping the paint off of her face but it managed to get in her eyes.

Arthur picked up the mallet from its spot near Fawn's feet, "Arthur... Mr. Shelby, _please!"_ The man pleaded for mercy but Arthur wasn't having it.

"You hurt my fucking sister!" He screamed, walking toward the begging man menacingly. "Then get the fuck out! Fuck your fuckin' revolution!" Arthur allowed the man to run out of the paint shop before dropping the mallet and walking toward his little sister. "You're a fucking mess." Fawnie shook her head as Arthur moved her matted hair out of her face.

"You alright?" She nodded wordlessly, blinking to clear the dots in her vision. The paint smelled of oil and grease, it was nauseating. "Alright, let's get you cleaned up," The Shelby's began walking out of the paint shop, but the sound of footsteps made Arthur pause, "Get behind that pillar there and don't fuckin' move."

Fawnie actually listened, knowing she wouldn't be of any use. She knew how to use her gun, but she wasn't the greatest fighter, Arthur walked back down the incline, toward the men in suits. He was silent and suddenly gunshots began. Fawn felt her throat tighten up for fear of Arthur's life, her teeth chattered as her jaw shook.

The tears streaming down her cheeks pushed the drying paint out of the way as Fawn scrambled to retrieve her gun, the men ran toward Arthur, _and_ the pillar Fawn was pressed up against. She held her breath and moved to the darker side. A man walked past Fawn and her chest heaved as she struggled to breathe silently. 

She looked around for something besides her gun, it would be too loud, and Fawn heard two sets of gunshots. A blackened brick seemed a good enough weapon, she moved slowly, reaching for the brick without taking a step, her arm wasn't long enough so she used a pole to lean forward further. 

The man walked forward until he heard a shout, Fawn felt her heart stop the moment that the man nearly saw her. He took two steps toward the commotion before Fawnie managed to strike him over the head with the brick. It broke into two halves and crumbled to the floor along with the man. 

He crawled forward toward his gun before Fawn realized what she had to do, her hands shook as she aimed and fired her gun. Three shots before she dropped to the ground, sobbing violently at the fact that she killed a person for the first time. It took a few minutes before Arthur found his traumatized younger sister cradling her knees to her chest. Fawnie Shelby appeared to be completely broken.


	10. 06 | Italians Watching

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Despite her weakened state, Finn knows that his sister is hurting and asks her if she wants to go out.

Fawnie stared at the printed wallpaper on her wall, she sat on her bed silently, holding herself. It seemed that the only position she liked these days was one of cradling herself like a baby... almost as though if she let herself go, she'd fall apart. An unsolvable puzzle waiting for someone to piece it back together.

The faded red flowers morphed into something more sinister, the red of John's blood soaking his white shirt on Christmas. Fawnie felt a strange understanding with the phrase her brother's often said in times where their lives seemed to be over. _In the bleak midwinter_. She thought, oh how bleak this year's midwinter seemed.

In Birmingham, winter seemed to stretch far past February and well into mid-April before the humidity picked up once more. 

Ever since the attack at the paint shop, she's refused to move from her room, finding solace in the small space with only one tiny circular window as a way in. A chair was pushed up against the door when she slept, it made her feel secure, and her tall wardrobe was moved in front of the aforementioned window.

Now her room resembled that of a dank cave, the only light coming from the candle that sat upon her desk. Fawn's body seemed to be vibrating, it wasn't intentional. Much like when someone's leg bounces under a table when they're anxious or in a hurry, but Fawn was in no hurry. In fact, all she wanted is for everything to slow down. 

So she could take a breath. To regain consciousness and hopefully rejoin the land of the living. Because Fawnie felt positively lifeless. As if killing the Italian took her with him into the shadow realm where John now lived. 

A strange sound met her ears, a low, moan of pain and she couldn't figure out where it was coming from until she felt her throat and small vibrations moved through the cold skin... the sound of deep-set horror was coming from her, coming from Fawn's subconscious. The horrifying reality that Fawnie Shelby killed a man.

She stole the breath from his lips and took him from his family. The realization caused Fawnie to squeeze her eyes shut but the sight of the man lying in a pool of his own blood forced her to reopen her eyes immediately. She jumped off of her bed and paced the small space of her room, breathing fast and heavy, her head began to feel light as her face slowly contorting to that of a face of pain.

The urge to scream was bubbling under the surface but she stifled it, not wanting to worry her aunt Polly. Not that it was possible for the older woman to not worry about Fawnie and her deteriorating mental state. Even Fawn was conscious of how she lacked any color in her cheeks as she used to.

Or how her Shelby blue eyes were as dead as Thomas'. They resembled his matching eyes when Fawnie announced that Winifred Shelby met her tragic end. She could remember that day in perfect detail, how Winnie told Fawn not to tell anyone where she was... and being a good little sister, Fawnie agreed. She just wanted to be liked by Winnie.

Fawn remembered how long she cried after Winnie's passing... and how more often than not, it was John who held her in his arms as his baby sister lost her mind. In one day, Fawnie lost more than she ever did. Two people who helped Fawn become who she was were swooped away by the fates.

Silent tears poured out of Fawn's eyes as she dropped onto the floor, it stung her knees but she deserved it. In Fawn's mind, she deserved some pain... just like Thomas did... as her whole family did. How many people have they ruined? How many lives have they taken and how many families have been broken up by the hands of the Shelby Clan?

She laid in a crumpled pile, the pose resembled that of a child's pose but Fawn's arms crossed over her chest. Fawn ignored the pounding on her door and just let herself wallow in peace. Soon after, she fell asleep on the floor.

━━━━

When something shuffled near Fawn, her eyes shot open and she jolted up from the bed, her forehead collided with that of her brother's and they both winced loudly. Fawnie hissed through her teeth and brought a hand up to ease the pain, luckily for her, these days her hands are always icy. 

"Fuck," Finn cursed before Fawnie hit him upside his head. "Ow, the fuck was that for?" He demanded with a whiny tone. Fawn looked toward the door begrudgingly and Finn caught on quickly. "We heard a bang but when we finally pried the door open you were sleeping on the floor. Tommy moved you to the bed."

The thought that Thomas touched Fawn made her want to shower desperately. Not to wash away his touch, but to cleanse the redeemable parts of her soul of his aura. Fawnie isn't very religious but she takes matters of the soul very seriously and if someone has a bad vibe, then she won't mess around.

Call it her Shelby Nature, her innate ability to detect if something is off. Call it g*psy witchcraft, whatever the fuck it is, lately, Tom's felt completely off. As if he's changed into a whole new person under his family's noses. Finn cleared his throat as Fawn stared at him blankly, she didn't feel like talking.

She hasn't felt like talking for a while, finding it pointless, "Isiah and I were wonderin' if you wanted to go out with us. You don't have to drink... but we think... it might do you some good to let loose."

_"There are Italians watching our every move. And you boys want to get drunk?"_

Her twin shook his head no, "There'll be a shit ton of Peaky Blinders around, it's only the Garrison."

Fawnie genuinely considered it, she's been cooped up in her room for nearly a week. Perhaps some time outside would do her overthinking brain some good. "Sure... just... just let me get dressed." A giant smile broke out of Finn's face as he pulled Fawn in for a tight hug, she was startled by the gesture but managed to pat him on the back.

"You won't regret it, _I promise_. We leave in ten minutes." Fawnie wanted to scoff at Finn because lately, the promises those made were not often kept...


	11. 07 | Caught Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just as Fawnie expected, her trip to the Garrison doesn't end well when Isiah and Finn run off... but luckily, Bonnie is there in time to save her.

For the first time in weeks, Fawnie felt as though she was enjoying herself. The gin in her glass was nearly empty and the buzz in her brain made everything so absolutely hilarious. She met Isiah's brown eyes and promptly burst out laughing for no reason at all. He shook his head at her and whispered something into Finn's ear, her twin chortled loudly and this piqued Fawn's interest.

"What did you say about me!?" She shouted over the singing men in the Garrison, even though she truly didn't need to be _that_ loud. When Isiah and Finn just kept drinking, she scooted around the booth and invaded the boys' personal space. Her drunk brain didn't stop her from doing so, so one moment she's across the table and the next, she's struggling to look at them clearly.

She wouldn't lie, she's been drunk since her first shot and Fawn has no idea how many she had by then. Isiah tried to push Fawn away but she pouted like a child getting their toys taken away, "You're so mean, 'Siah..." Fawnie laid her head on the cold tabletop and burped lightly before laughing to herself. 

Finn sighed, "I ought to take her home... she's wrecked."

His sister jolted at the statement, she shook her head no, "Nope, uh uh... I am–" Her eyelids feel closed as she tried to speak clearly, suddenly she began giggling under her breath. A drunken smile on her flushed face. "Finn..." She wheezed, unable to explain the situation. Something happened to Finn's hair because when he turned his head a large bald spot was present. 

The young man raised his hands in question, "Well, what is it?" Even Isiah was having trouble stifling his laughter, after all, he was the one who did it.

Fawnie and Isiah met each other's eyes before howling noisily, his arm wrapped around her shoulder as they leaned into one another. "Oh– my god, his! Hahaha, Finny you might want to look in the mirror!" She could hardly articulate without stopping to giggle as she pointed up at Finn's head.

Finn felt his hair and turned bright red when he felt the missing patch of hair, "Isiah! I'm going to kill you!" Isiah managed to sidestep Finn and ran out of the pub, leaving Fawn by herself. She picked an olive from the bowl on the table and threw it toward the bar, trying to land it in the vase of flowers. 

The first five or so olives landed on the ground, but the last one she threw went down the back of a tall, burly man's shirt. Fawn's eyes widened before the sight of him squirming threw her into another fit of laughter. She chortled as he stalked over to her booth and hauled the girl up by her shoulders, "THE FUCK DID YOU THROW AT ME?"

Her nose burned at the smell saturating the air around him, Fawn wrinkled her nose but kept on laughing, right in his face. He shook her but it didn't put any sense in the young girl, "I threw nothing–" Fawn lied, hardly remembering picking up an olive in the first place. 

"Then why the fuck did they tell me you did?" 

Fawnie shrugged and the man's nostrils flared, she poked his face and cracked up at his angry expression. When his hold on her shoulders transferred to her neck, she gasped loudly but didn't register the pain. Just as quickly as the man had grabbed ahold of her– she was free –and a sickening crack sounded as Fawnie fell into the booth, unable to catch herself.

A familiar figure loomed over the man, punching him over and over and over again until he was pulled off of him. The young man walked over to Fawn and despite his bloodied fists, cradled her face lightly, "You alright, Ms. Shelby?" 

"Ms. Shelby? Don't call me that... makes me feel old..." Fawn felt weary as her head drifted forward, only for the boy to catch her.

"It's me, Bonnie, come on. We've got to get out of here." 

The Shelby girl just nodded, "Uh-huh, my... my purse," She pointed over her shoulder and Bonnie helped her lean against the booth before letting her go, he retrieved her purse and slung it on his shoulder. "What're you doing?" Fawnie hiccuped.

Bonnie's eyes were full of concern, "Can you walk?"

Fawnie scoffed at Bonnie and pushed herself up quickly– too quickly –her vision dotted with black spots, and still, she nodded. "Uh, yea!" Bonnie stepped back so Fawn could try walking and she tripped after the first step, Bonnie, of course, caught her and held her up by her forearms. "Ha, you caught me falling for you." 

His cheeks turned a satisfying shade of crimson and Fawn felt the urge to touch the blush... and so she did. She looked at Bonnie with a half-lidded, intoxicated gaze. "Alright, let's go." 

"What're you–" Fawnie tried to protest as Bonnie hauled her up into his arms but the drowsiness made her yawn loudly.

Bonnie had to shout for the men to get out of the way, when they noticed the girl in his arms was a Shelby, they all moved out of the way rapidly. Fawnie let her head rest on Bonnie's shoulder as he began carrying her home, "Where do you live?"

She had to think about it for a moment, "6, Watery Lane?" Bonnie heard the confusion and just hoped Fawn was sober enough to remember where she lived. "I don't fuckin' know... it's somewhere 'round there." Once again, she relaxed her neck and shoulders and closed her eyes, allowing Bonnie to carry her home in silence. 

━━━━

Fawnie's dream had taken a different turn than usual, it was dark then, and voices were screaming at one another, "Fuck! I lost her, I don't know how–" They sounded scared and panicked as Fawn only kind of listened to the exchange.

A door slammed loudly, "You fuckin' lost your sister!?" Both voices were familiar as shuffling sounded, the completely black dream confused the Shelby girl but she just unwound in her bed. Footfalls made their way toward Fawnie and soon... she couldn't deny just how real they seemed– too bad Thomas Shelby shoved her door open before she could register that she was no longer dreaming.

Light flooded the pitch-black room and two sighs sounded before Tom turned around, "Finn, you're an idiot." Fawnie covered her eyes and groaned in pain. Thomas rushed into the room and turned the lamp beside her bed on, he was quick to remove his gloves as he checked on her, "What's happened? Are you hurt?"

"She had a couple of drinks as the Garrison." 

_"How many is a couple, Finn?"_ Thomas demanded, staring at Fawn with worry.

The eighteen-year-old shrugged, "I dunno, I'm _not_ her mum." 

A headache was fastly approaching, she could feel it in her temples. "Get out..." Fawnie mumbled and pushed away Tom's hands, "Get out... please just let me be."

Thomas shook his head no, "Are you alright, Fawn?" 

Fawn nodded, "I will be if you leave me the fuck alone." Now fully awake, she's just wanting to go back to sleep. Before she turned her back to Tom, she saw the misery in the depths of his blue eyes. "Get out." She ordered one last time. Tom actually listened, he and Finn left her in the dark, and Fawnie could make out some more voices.

"I told you that Bonnie boy brought her back home, said she pissed off some bloke and that _Finn was nowhere to be found,_ " Polly explained before Fawn tuned them out and fell back asleep. 


	12. 08 | My Job

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fawnie has a spat with Linda in the betting shop and Arthur gives up his place in the vendetta.

Fawnie Shelby awoke to the sound of a gun firing and it did not help her horrendous headache.

The gunshot wasn't too far from her bedroom, Fawn pushed the covers back and switched on her bedside lamp with haste. She was quick to push her wardrobe aside to look out the window, Arthur stood behind his house with a gun in hand.

Her body relaxed as she watched Thomas console their eldest brother. At least it wasn't Italians doing the shooting _this time_. She sighed softly despite the ache burning in her chest... tears flooded Fawn's eyes as she stared out the window. She began crying silently but upon hearing her door open, she quickly wiped her eyes and forced a smile onto her face.

"You've got work to do, little lady." Her aunt Polly stood in the doorway with a soft expression before closing the door once more. Fawnie exhaled loudly and tried to ignore the pain in her heart at the nickname... it was once used to describe Winifred and Fawnie Shelby, the youngest sisters and the best of friends. Thomas deemed them the 'Little Ladies' due to them constantly hosting tea parties in the parlor...

Only family was allowed... it was a _very_ exclusive event. One that Fawn remembers clearly now, how Winnie would prepare the tea and how Fawn would go and beg baker Donald for some biscuits if Pol hadn't made any. Fawn's last tea party was one for the books... the one where Sylvia Taylor was the guest of honor and Tom actually showed up for the first time in years.

If only Fawn could turn back the clock...

━━━━

Fawnie sat in the place she had a love/hate relationship with... _John's office_. She was counting out the money that Finn dropped at the corner of the desk that morning. Fawn looked between the book and the code often so she wouldn't make a mess of the books. 

Heels alerted Fawnie of a new presence, her head snapped up as Linda Shelby walked into the Den. Fawn set the pencil in hand down and stood up, walking to the doorway of the office to hear what Linda had to say. "I said to Arthur while I'm stuck in this fucking place," The woman that Fawn had a strained relationship with pulled her glove off each finger slowly, "I want something to keep my mind busy."

The young woman turned her gaze to her aunt's face, Polly snorted at Linda's statement, "What? You're going to take bets?"

Linda gave Polly an unamused look and shrugged, "I have always been able to do addition and subtraction without pen and paper. But I'll need a telephone. Apparently we have special clients who take bets by telephone." Fawn didn't want to be rude but what Linda described was Fawn's job. She didn't take bets by the phone often... but Fawn prided herself in her mathematical abilities. She is the only Shelby to have finished school anyway.

"Linda? This is a betting shop. And that's Fawnie's job," Polly stated.

The blonde set her purse down sternly, "Look. Arthur said yes. Tommy said yes." Fawnie met Polly's eyes and the older woman nodded, Fawn gave Pol a small smile in thanks.

"But did God say yes? Gambling is a sin, Linda. And it is Fawnie's job."

"I don't care who's job it is, she's clearly not doing it now." Linda pointed at the dejected Fawn with a venomous scowl, why Linda disliked the youngest Shelby was unbeknownst to Fawnie herself. Luckily, Fawn hardly ever dealt with Linda so she was often safe from Linda's hateful glare.

For some inexplicable reason, Fawnie felt terribly embarrassed. She blinked away the angry tears that pricked at her eyes and turned into the office, Fawn closed the door behind her and leaned against the door for support. A knock sounded, "You alright dear?"

Fawnie swallowed a sob, "Yea, yea, I'm– I'm fine." She chewed on the top of her thumbnail to distract herself, "I'll be out in a moment." It was times like these when Fawnie thanked her past self for closing the blinds on the walls of John's office... she squeezed her eyes shut and brought her hands up to cover her face, Fawn's chest heaved despite not being out of breath.

She wiped her eyes dry and slowly opened them. John's words rang clearly in her head like the bell on the clock tower. _"You are a Shelby, no matter what they say. And as a Shelby, it's your job to not take any shit from anybody! Not even us,"_ John was well aware of Fawn's insecurities... especially how worried she was about people finding out about it. 

The fear of being called a fraud was always there, even from a young age, Fawnie strived to be the most Shelby a Shelby could be. Maybe that's why she adopted Tommy's personality. Her silver tongue ready at any moment to lay waste to her enemies' egos. Even if Fawn lacked any remorse for Tommy, she felt green with envy at his ability to portray no emotion even in the most dangerous of situations. 

Fawnie collected herself and got ready to tell Linda what it was. She opened the door and stuck her chin up just as Linda did. "It's _my_ job so find something else to do, Linda." Out of the corner of her eye, Fawn saw Lizzie and Polly smirk at one another. Linda gave Fawn a surprised look and said nothing. "Phone is in the back by the way," She announced as Finn entered.

"Boy." Polly snapped toward Finn to gain his attention, he paid her no mind, "Boy, where are you going?" Finn turned back as he walked. 

Finn raised his eyebrows and slowed to a stop, "Well, Arthur's not coming in today. He's taking the day off. So..." He scratched the back of his neck and sought out Fawn's eyes, she shook her head no. 

"So what?" Lizzie asked with her armed crossed, eyebrows drew downward in confusion.

"So today, Tommy said that I'm in charge." His twin couldn't help the laugh that left her lips, "What's so funny?" Even though Fawn felt she could cry at any second, the thought of listening to Finn was outright hilarious.

All of the women– Linda included –glanced at each other with amused looks, even Fawnie gave her aunt and Lizzie a wowed smile, "Nothing," Fawnie mumbled before bringing her hand up to stifle the chuckle that tried to escape.

Polly stepped up to Finn and patted his cheek teasingly, "All right, sweetheart. Ladies? Let's give our boss a first day that he'll never forget." 

━━━━

For as long as Fawnie could remember, her mother had blonde hair and green eyes, much unlike Fawn's Shelby-like appearance. But lately... it seemed the memory of her had morphed into that of rich brown hair and dark eyes, the same face that Fawnie only knew for almost two years. The face of Sylvia Taylor. 

Ever since John's passing, Fawn's mind has been reminding her of the year that broke her young mind. 1919 was the worst year ever– besides the year her brothers were drafted that is –that year she lost more than the family gained. Sure, the Shelby name now had legal beside it, but the Shelby family was hit _hard_.

Plagued by the loss of two strong women, a copper that wouldn't let go, and an iffy barmaid who stupidly fell for Thomas Shelby. Fawnie– despite being only eleven at the time –remembers finding her sister's body with perfect clarity. If anyone knew any better, they'd think it just happened. Fawnie sometimes wished it was her who got played, even if she was a child at the time. 

Winifred was so close to finishing school. The loss of her old sister truly was the only reason Fawnie herself finished school completely. She wanted to do right by Winnie's name and she wanted to make her family proud. Only four years separated the girls' age-wise but despite it, Winifred, Fawnie, and Finn were as thick as thieves... constantly causing trouble and regularly pranking one another.

Oh, how Fawnie truly wanted to go back in time and do things right...


	13. 09 | Killed A Man

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fawnie takes a nap before Tommy all but drags her along with him to King Maine's Gym.

The yawn that escaped Fawn's lips was long and loud, Lizzie gave Fawn an amused smirk to which Fawnie just sighed tiredly. It was hardly daybreak when Thomas woke Fawnie with the news that she would be getting a _real_ position at Shelby Company Limited and she had yet to receive any news. She's just been waiting for Tom to be free so she can get into the office, sign a stupid contract, and be on her melancholy way.

"What the fuck is he doing?" Fawnie practically whined as she slid down the chair so her arms were the only thing holding her up from the floor.

Lizzie shrugged, "May Carleton." 

Strangely enough, Fawn recognized the name. "The horse lady?" Another shrug from Lizzie, "She takes care of my Jerome... fast bastard." By then, Fawn was just mumbling whatever came to mind. "Could you wake me when Thomas comes out? I hardly slept last night."

"Sure, just don't drool on the leather." 

━━━━

A hand pushed Fawnie's arm and she shook her head in her sleep, "Fawnie, get up, we've got to go." Her eyebrows furrowed as she rolled over and opened her eyes, Thomas stood above her with a stoic expression. She tried to find any bit of emotion in his eyes but to no avail. 

"Go?" Tom nodded, "Where? I thought I was to sign some contract then go to the den?" 

"Nope, we're going to King Maine's." Thomas leaned down to help Fawn up, "Up you go then," He hauled her by her armpits and once Fawn could sit up, she pushed his hands away. 

"I can stand meself, Thomas." Fawn glanced around the reception area and when she found it was empty, she gave Tom a perplexed look, "Where's Lizzie?" 

His jaw tensed for a moment, "She's on lunch." Fawnie nodded and pushed herself up to stand, she covered her mouth when a yawn managed to escape. "Why have you been so disrespectful lately?"

The question makes Fawnie shake her head wordlessly, "The fact that you can't put two and two together is what makes my anger justifiable." Fawn patted Thomas' shoulder, "We aren't going to talk and makeup, big brother. It takes more work to gain my trust once more. You should know that." She turned away from him and made her way to the door, "Why're you just standing there? Haven't you got to go?" 

Even though Fawnie did _not_ want to go to King Maine's gym, she knew it was better to just go silently than argue with Thomas. Among the aforementioned physical similarities, Fawnie's just as stubborn as Thomas Shelby — if not more so.

━━━━

The smell of sweat and blood hit Fawn like a sharp slap to the face. It reminded her of the paint shop and how she couldn't tell what parts of the red that covered her were blood or paint. Her scalp still held a crimson tint if Fawnie looked hard enough... the pain she went through when trying to scrub the murder and car paint from her skin was excruciating.

But Fawnie didn't stop until Polly forced the cloth from her hand. _"You're going to dry your skin out if you keep scraping at it like that."_ Polly didn't understand, neither she nor Arthur mentioned that Fawnie was the one who killed half of the hitmen. Fawnie wanted to think that it just never came up, but it was at the tip of her tongue for days after it happened.

_"I killed a man, aunt Pol. What do you think of me now?"_

It would be so easy to say the words... to let Polly know that her youngest niece has finally shaken hands with the devil himself. Fawnie could feel the change in herself, the sense of self-loathing, the hate for her life to have been preserved for the loss of another. The feeling is very present now, even as Fawnie walks into the gym with a matching expression to that of Tom's face. 

The feeling that Fawnie has been living on extra petrol ever since the day Winnie sacrificed herself for her little sister. 

"Oi, Fawn, pay attention to where you're walking," Thomas practically yanked Fawn out of the way of a young man who was skipping a rope. She blinked a few times before prying Tom's hands off of her upper arm, Fawn shot him a dirty look because she knew he used too much force to gain her attention.

Fawnie crossed her arms over her chest and focused on walking, she forced herself to not think about really anything because _everything_ made her feel like shit. Tom stopped in front of a ring, inside a scrawny young man and a taller, wider man fought... well, the taller man mostly took hits. With one last right hook, the boy in the white tank top sent his opponent sprawling.

Her eyes widened at the sight of Bonnie's face, he smirked proudly and leaned on the ropes, "Next." 

King Maine shook his head, "You're not at the fucking fairground now, son. Get down and skip me 200 for taking the piss out of a fine fighter." Bonnie's face dropped in disappointment before tossing his gloves down onto the floor, he gave Fawnie a small grin before he exited the ring. "He's got a head on him, that boy." Mr. Maine sighed.

Fawnie stood off to the side as the men conversed, looking about curiously. She's never said it out loud before, but when she was younger, she wanted to be a boxer. That dream was lit aflame when the boys went off to war. Fawn's not weak, she can't be. And if she's made angry enough, she can knock a grown man down with one punch.

"And a fist. So what do you say, Mr. Maine?" The man stood between Thomas and Mr. Maine looked familiar, but Fawnie hadn't been introduced to him yet. 

Mr. Maine nodded, "He works hard. He's game. I'll need to work on his defense. Right now, his left hand is just good for wanking." Fawnie shook her head in amusement at the trainer's words... Bonnie did seem to rely on his right hand for the finishing blow. 

Fawnie slowly made her way back toward her brother, not liking the glances the men were sending her way. "You don't have to earn your money. We're paying you anyway. Is he ready?" Tom's words confused Fawn, he's never been the man to waste money... what's changed?

"Is he even registered?" Mr. Maine sounds worried and entertained at the thought of not earning his money's worth for training a random off the street.

Thomas received a paper from his coat pocket, "I put him down as a welterweight, Midlands division. Amateur turning pro. Just need your counter signature." The unfamiliar man holds up a pen in a threat, Fawnie's not stupid, she knows threatening when she sees it.

King Maine shakes his head, "What? Like I'm going to say no to you boys?" He took the pen and signed the sheet, Fawnie turned her head toward Bonnie, he was skipping the rope at a rate she knew she'd struggle with... if Fawnie was honest, she hasn't skipped rope in years. 

"Just tell us, is he ready?" Bonnie's skips seemed to speed up under Fawnie's watchful eye.

"In 30 years, I've never seen a raw boy so ready."

Bonnie jumped one last time and dropped the rope, "And that's 200, Mr. Maine." He sauntered over toward Thomas and the man Fawnie doesn't know, "So who am I fighting first, Mr. Shelby?" 

"When you step in the ring, Bonnie, who do you see across the canvas, eh?" Fawn rolls her eyes at Tom's stupid question... she knows exactly what he's doing, it's clearly a test to see if Bonnie can handle what's to come.  
  
"I see myself. Forty years old having done fuck all, except tramping the lanes." Bonnie's accent isn't like those around her and Fawn found herself liking the sound of it, "I see my life wasted. I won't let it happen. Me, I'm going to be a champion."

Her brother leaned closer to the young boxer and spoke in their mother tongue, Romani. _"When this business is done... you'll be champion of the world Gypsy Boy."_ Fawnie found herself smiling at Tom's words of reassurance. "Fight out at Camden Town. Boy's name is Goliath." Thomas began walking away but turned around to give Fawn a look, "Let's go or you'll be walking home." 

Fawnie gave Bonnie and the man a smile, he tipped his hat at her, "Bonnie," She nodded before following behind Thomas. "What's got you so impatient?!" She shouted at the back of Tom's head while they walked toward the exit.


	14. 10 | Small Hell

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fawnie discovers something about a customer before Arthur shows her and Finn their new place.

"Are you sure, _fifty pounds?"_ Fawnie was surprised when she heard about the sizable bet, "Oh, no I'm not assuming anything! I'm just surprised is all, you never place such large bets," She moved her mouth away from the receiver, "Aunt Pol," Fawnie whisper/yelled as her aunt passed John's office. 

Polly raised her eyebrows, "What's wrong?" 

Fawnie pointed at a rather large book on the shelf of old betting books, "Can you hand me the red book? Hi, yes, I'm still here. Just having a few telephone difficulties," Polly struggled to figure out what Fawnie was pointing at, "could you wait one second?" When the man on the other line agreed with a gruff 'yes', Fawn shot out of the seat and walked over to the shelf.

"What's that book for?" Polly asked once more as Fawn pulled it from the shelf.

The young Shelby turned to her aunt, "When I used to follow _him_ about, he always warned me about people _suddenly_ placing large bets. He said it was code for something and told me to 'Look in the red book, it's got all you'll ever need,'. He never explained _what_ was in the red book but I think it'll tell me why the fuck someone who's never placed a bet above ten pound is suddenly placing a fifty-pound bet." 

She flicked through the pages and scanned it as fast as she could, she mumbled 'fifty pound' under her breath as she did so, trying to figure out what was happening. "There," Polly aimed at the page with a stamp on it. "If they place a bet five times or _more_ larger than their usual, they've gone broke." Polly read aloud as they met each other's wide eyes. 

"I knew it was strange," Fawnie mused... "What should I do? I can't take the bet if I don't think they can pay up?"

"If they don't pay up they'll face the wraith of the boys, that's their territory, darling." Polly pat Fawnie's cheek before rubbing her thumb on the apple of it, "Good job on noticing that, John would be proud." The bittersweetness of the statement made Fawnie smile sadly. "You best get back to that call, men are _very_ impatient."

"As if I don't know that!"

━━━━

The infamous Shelby twins followed behind their eldest brother apprehensively, sometimes catching each other's gaze for moral support. When Arthur told them to pack up their shit– that they were getting a flat –Fawnie laughed in his face.

_"Oh, Thomas is so tired of us that he got us a flat? Would you look at that Finn, he cares!"_

When Arthur admitted that they didn't buy the flat, the pair didn't want anything to do with it. The younger one spoke for herself and Finn, knowing that her brother wouldn't listen to Finn. 

_"Of course you stole it, we wouldn't want people to think we're decent now would we?"_

Her older brother blushed brightly when she called the entire family out. Now that she and Finn made it to the home, Fawnie could tell what Arthur meant when he said they didn't buy it. The place looked ravaged through and broken glass covered the kitchen floor. "There we go, kiddos." Arthur said with a smile while dropping the suitcase in his hand onto the floor, "Home sweet home," 

Fawnie scoffed loudly and brushed past the boys to scout the area, "A place for you to bring women back," A sound of protest from Fawn made Finn's ears turn red and Arthur chuckled loudly, "Maybe not women, but your mates for sure... play some games, gamble, cards, and you two keep an eye on our backyard." 

The small flat luckily had two bedrooms and Fawnie immediately claimed the one with a bigger space. She sat her luggage down and walked back into the kitchen slowly, making sure to avoid the glass shards that littered the floor, "Fawnie, you keep an eye on this fuck here, yea?" She nodded slowly with as much of a smile that she could muster, "And Finn, no matter what, she's your first priority. After your little stunt, it took a bit of convincing to let her come here." 

"Thomas didn't just decide to send me away? It was you?" Fawnie didn't know what to think, she assumed that Tommy wanted nothing to do with her, but never in a million years would she have thought Arthur wanted to rid himself of his little sister. 

Arthur shook his head violently, "Oh no, that came out wrong, little deer." 

"I can't believe the lot of you anymore, I ought to fuckin' leave Small Hell!" She spun on her heel quickly, ignoring Arthur's sounds of protests as she strode back into the room. Fawnie sat on the corner of the bed with her arms crossed and tried to hold back the tears. Knowing her own family didn't even want her hurt like hell.

Hurt far worse than the time she sprained her ankle after Finn pushed her down the stairs and worse than when her mother dropped her off at 6 Watery Lane in 1911. Her lips pursed as she attempted to push the coming tears down, her cheeks flushed red and when one escaped, Fawn was quick to wipe it away.

Knowing it wasn't Tom who wanted to send her away confused her beyond reason, he'd always been the one to question her if something went wrong... the one to give her a dirty look if she cursed... Thomas was never the one to argue for her safety, never the one to save her... it was _always_ John. Fawnie couldn't piece it together, the prospect that Tom _might_ actually love her.

The thought sounded ludicrous to Fawnie, Thomas feeling any other emotion that irritation toward Fawn wasn't possible. _Was it?_ When the door was pushed open and Finn stepped into the room, Fawnie looked up at her lanky brother. "Arthur's gone," She acknowledged him with a nod and patted the spot beside her when Finn looked as though he wanted to sit down. "I'm sorry about what happened at the Garrison."

"It's fine," Fawnie mumbled but Finn shook his head no.

"It wasn't, it shouldn't have been that bloke to save you... that's my job and I failed at it. You're my little sister, I'm supposed to protect you."

Fawnie chuckled dryly, "I'm only two months younger you shite," She grabbed Finn's hand and met his eyes, "It's fine, really. That is hardly the worst of what's happened in the last six months. With everything that _has_ happened, I think I've gone numb... plus I don't really remember what happened that night." 

"Bonnie Gold saved you," 

Her eyes widened, "Pol said 'Siah did," _Why would Polly lie about that?_

Finn shrugged and squeezed Fawnie's hand, "What's been up with you lately? You look... _empty_." He scratched the back of his neck with his free hand, "You look a lot like Tommy did... after Sylvia." 

The word hit Fawn like a perfectly executed blow to the gut. Fawnie prayed that Finn didn't see the fear in her eyes at the fact that Finn was spot on with his observations. She released his hand and stood up from the bed, refusing to meet his eyes. "Nothing, I'm good. Just, we need to clean this place up, yea?" The fake smile felt real enough to Fawnie, "I can do most of it, you just uh, sweep up the glass..." She writhed her hands together, "Yea, that works. Do that."


End file.
